I don't know about you, but I think better when I'm a little hungry. When the tummy rumbles, the brain is usually not far behind. Admittedly, I've hit a few hungry moments here in the land of milk and honey. But I've also found that when one puts one's mind to it, one can find cream to skim at virtually no cost to the consumer.
Of course, it would be silly of me to divulge all of my inner-most Aspen survival secrets, but I've seen quite a few of my brethren wasting away these days. The flesh practically falling away until the next crumb falls from the crooked mouth of the have's. This is more than my conscience can allow. So, in the interest of charity, I share a couple of Soiled Survival Nuggets®.
Not to worry, because if you play your cards right, steaming platters are close at hand.
The best source for excellent cuisine and hearty drink at no cost are art openings, open houses, conventions and employee parties.
Art openings can be happening almost anywhere, but they are usually held on Thursdays or Fridays in the afternoons. All you need to attend is a clean shirt and stuffy look. You can bring a friend, but don't get out of hand. Remember the objective is to stuff your face, not someone else's.
Fill up your plate as soon as you get there. No sense waiting to eat. You could be expelled at any moment, so load up! After you gather a plateful and a glass of wine, wander the exhibit and at least pretend to be interested in the art, no matter how unappetizing it may be.
To find art openings, patrol banks, art galleries, the art museum and the Howling Wolf regularly. You get those extra pounds back in no time.
Employee parties are a safe bet for free food and drink. Even if you are not an employee, parties are generous occasions and one more hungry mouth is not going to spoil the fun. Places that have lots of employees and experience lots of turnover usually have the most (and best) parties. Employee birthdays and employees leaving are great excuses for beer and pizza, so keep your eyes open.
Desperate bottomfeeders may consider a pair of black slacks and a white shirt. Add a name tag and wander into nearly any banquet, luncheon or convention buffet. No one on either side (the hotel or the conventioneers) will have the gumption to ask you, "what the hell do you think you're doing?" TRY A SOILED SNAK® TODAY!
I ate quite a few pickle s'mores this winter. And now, because it's off-season, and almost everyone has left, I will let you in on the secret recipe. (This is not easy for me, because the pickle s'more secret is a secret close to my heart. Kind of like a free parking spot at the base of Aspen Mountain or a magic fishing hole.)
The first thing one must know prior to assembling the ingredients for pickle s'mores is that they must be free. Complimentary. Without cost to the consumer.
You see, pickle s'mores are not something you would eat if you had two quarters to rub together. Pickle s'more taste best with empty pockets and empty stomachs.
Unfortunately, space does not allow me to share any more Soiled Survival Nuggets® with you at this time, but please keep an eye on this (free) newspaper for further tips in the near future. And remember, you get what you pay for.